I was reared up in the Missouri Synod Lutheran Church, being baptized at age four and confirmed at age 14, and while I had a good deal of head knowledge about God, I did not have a personal relationship with God. I had a very unhealthy image of God and began an elusive search for the Church I read about in the Bible. While a soldier in the US Army, I found myself doing lots of Bible study, and eventually teaching and leading Bibles studies. While I continued to increase in knowledge about God, I found myself continually disappointed in my search for the Church. While I had a form of godly devotion, I in effect had denied the very God I sought a personal relationship with. I largely spent most of my life seeking external validation, seeking to please others while at the same time denying the truth about who I sensed God had created me to be. I joined denominations that were part of movements that were all about becoming or being holy. These were filled with other persons who were fear-filled and insecure just like I was. They also were legalistic, controlling and devoid of grace. I was filled with shame and was very introverted. I sought my father's approval in particular. I stayed busy working hard and devoting myself to study. Somewhere in the midst of all my doing, I crashed and burned--I came to end of myself, and there I met Jesus and began to receive grace. In my failure, I found freedom. Out of the ashes, God raised up a new creature. The old man, or my false/pseudo self/sin nature had to die before new life could begin. The new beginning began with my learning to be honest about me. My illusion of independence gave way to the truth that I am absolutely dependent upon God's grace and mercy and interdependent with the other members of His body. In the midst of crisis, I learned deep lessons about humility. I found myself drawn to Spirit filled believers who have servant hearts who has experienced the crisis of conversion. In the midst of two or more of these reconciled and gathered into koinonia fellowship, I found liberty as they loved me enough to speak truth in love. I began to understand that the Heavenly Father allowed His Son to die to redeem me and that His Son, Jesus, loved the world--including me, so much He gave His life that I might have life abundant and eternal. I had been looking for truth "out there," but found what I had been looking for externally was alive within me, incarnate in me! When I finally gave up my elusive search for the truth and the Church, both of them found me...as I learned to be still, I began to know God. Not by doing, but rather by being and becoming the fullness of who God created me to be.